a Love Letter to Mamas everywhere.
Dear Mama,
You are a champion.
Whatever kinda mom you are: Super Mom, Boss Mom, Cool Mom, Soccer Mom, tired-as-a-mother Mom, need-more-coffee Mom, empowered Mom: All the kinds of moms. Without you— as a magnificent collective of truly creative humans—none of us would be here. It’s absolute magic (and science) that through the act of deep connection with another person,
A baby can be conceived! A baby who can develop inside a body, and then bursts into the world, hard wired for deep connection. And it goes on and on and on. Just magical.
I was thinking about the word Mama:
Backwards, it’s am-am. Am as a derivative of To Be. Mamas have to be x2. Be for yourself, and Be for your children. I want to honor your strength amidst the absolute chaos of this life.
That you wake up and show up for yourself, for all of your bodily needs, your physicality, your mind and body and soul. And then: to be present for your little one. Your getting-bigger-than-little one. This is a true superhero skill: self-care, AND care of your child.
This balancing act takes a tremendous amount of grace. And willingness to try again.
I am learning that we can be present for our children without giving more than we can afford to lose. For example, when your child is having a tantrum, what is your immediate response?
Often, for me, it is a sense of dread, discomfort, and wanting it to stop as soon as possible. Then I question my efficacy as a caregiver, etc. However, in the Hand-In-Hand parenting approach, there’s a tool called Staylistening.
It’s rooted in the idea that we all need to be heard. So instead of taking on your child’s feelings personally, your work is to stay and listen, and see the emotional release as process of detoxification and growth. Sometimes, crying is the hardest work (and the only work) our child can do in that moment.
That’s ok.
Staying close and letting them know you are here, remind them (and yourself) “I am here with you,” but mostly staying quiet, and really listening.
Listening not because there is ginormous wisdom in the screeching.
Listening because when your child feels held in that moment, they can fully release the big feelings, and clear their minds and hearts for the next developmental task.
As an adult, having big feelings in front of other people has induced a lot of shame for me. When something triggers big tears, my reasoning brain switches off and I become flooded with a stress response, and lots of emotions. I try my best to hide it. I wonder if that’s the societal expectation (don’t cry in public), or if it’s the years of being told that I am “too sensitive” or “too emotional” and I need to “pull myself together.”
But what if we--as a society--saw crying or outbursts of big feelings a way to cleanse ourselves and hit the reset button? A way to work through the challenges in the moment, shed tears to lubricate the difficult transition, and then come out the other side, more calm and intelligent?
I invite you to get curious about your own emotions, your child’s emotions, and a deep reminder: Feelings are not forever.
I share all of this to say--the biggest and most remarkable thing you can do as a mama is to Be. To really be. Be really present with your child, which can open an opportunity to be present with yourself. Even for glimmers of moments, for the glimmer of this moment.
I am here to listen and support you in this journey.
